Ok, well a lot has happened since that last journal I posted. Soon after that, Jeremy got back with Lindsay, but he and I remained friends. We kept talking more and more, and even being flirty! Then, last Tuesday, it finally ended. For good, he's not taking her back. They are broken up for good. My going back out to Tennessee is going to be so much easier now! He may still be coming out in July, but I'm moving to TN at the BEGINING of August now. Isn't that great!! I'm so happy to be going home...

The other thing, the thanks. That goes out to everyone who thanks me for favoriting their work. If I fave it, that means it's awsome! So thanks to everyone who is thanking me ^^ I find it hard to get back to everyone, so I hope you read this haha.

So yeah, I'm outa here in August, and I WILL get Jeremy back. We aren't together, but hopefully soon. I'm in love with him and I maintain that I'll never love anyone else. It's him, or no one! I LOVE YOU JEREMY ADAM PICKETT!!!

Hey everyone!

Sorry, I know it's been a while since I got on here. I plan on loading some of my poems on here as soon as I figure it out haha. The main purpose of this, is that I wanted to update everyone on what's been going on in my life. As a few of you know, I was dating a guy named Adam for a while. Well, we broke up a few weeks ago because we just weren't on the same page. Plus, I was dealing with one of my ex's having harbored feelings for me. I've talked to him since, and we're really good with remaining friends. Which is really good, because last week, another ex of mine, Jeremy, contacted me. Now, let me tell you a little about Jeremy

We met one another nearly three years ago, at Franklin County High School in Winchester, TN. Yes, I used to live out there. I was sitting at the lunch table on my first day there, having made friends with Amanda Dickerson and Courtney Thomas. They were also friends with him. They introduced me to everyone at the table but him, so I didn't notice right away. But then, we both looked each other in the eye at the exact, same time. Let me tell you, it was a damn good thing I was sitting haha. I would have fallen flat on my ass otherwise, from weak knees. I've only ever gotten weak knees from one other guy, and he was my soul mate, who died over 3 years ago. Truth be told, I was smitten with Jeremy instantly. We hung out a lot while I was out there, and became very close. Before I even realized it, I'd begun falling for him. I had to leave, we were moving back out here, to Cali. So, on my last day, I asked him to meet me outside my last class. But, as fate would have it, my mother showed up early and I had to go before he even got there. I wouldn't hear from him again for over a year.

In late September of 2005, I got help from a friend to create a Myspace. Now, by this point in the year, I'd had it for quite a while. So, I had heard from Courtney in the form of a letter, so I decide to see if I can find anyone on Myspace from FCHS. I typed in the school search engine, and as I was scrolling down, my eyes locked with those of the ones in a picture of a young man. Name, Jeremy Pickett. My intitial thoughts were, "No freaking way!" I looked at his profile and realized it was the boy I'd almost fallen for over a year earlier. So, I sent him a message asking if he remembered me and a friend request. Oh yeah, he remembered haha. We started talking constantly, through messages and on the phone. I remember the first time he called, I was so happy to hear his voice I could hardly stand it! We continued talking and the subject of that last day came up. I told him that I was going to tell him I liked him, and thought I had nothing to lose in telling him since I was leaving. His reaction, "You liked me? Really? Cause I liked you too..." So I told him, "Well, I guess now we'll never know, huh?" Now, before I tell you what he said after this, know that by this point we'd been talking for over a month. "Amanda, I still like you." I was in shock. I couldn't believe he'd held onto those feelings and that they could be rekindled by our phone conversations. Though I had to say, mine had been as well. So I told him the truth, "Well, Jeremy, I must say, I still like you too. But what can we do about it now?" Well I'll tell you what we did about it. We talked for hours about what we really wanted to do. It ended in agreeing to a long distance relationship. We cared deeply for each other, and it spanned through space between us. We couldn't deny how we felt for one another, and more importantly, we didn't want to. Then, I made my first mistake.

We'd been together for nearly a month, when I realized I had indeed fallen in love with him. I realized I had been all along, and that scared me. So, I ended it. Told him that the long distance was just too hard on me when I cared for him so much, and that I just wanted to remain friends. I cried myself to sleep for nights. But we would get another chance in just a couple months.

We remained in constant contact. Neither of us dated anyone else for, thought neither of us would admit it to the other, we didn't want to date anyone else. The middle of January 2006 came, and my grandma, my mamaw, was dying and they had called in all the family. Jeremy was the first person I called. I stayed on the phone with him all night, crying. He cooed to me and comforted me all through the night. We even left our phones on and fell asleep to the sound of eachother breathing. With that, my mom and I got on a plane to good ol' Winchester, TN. I called Jeremy the second I got inside my grandparents house. "Ok, give me directions. I'll come over now and we can hang out." I smiled and gladly gave him directions. He came, got me and we drove around and just hung out. By the time he pulled up in front of the house to drop me off again, we sat in the car and talked. We couldn't stand not being with one another, and agreed that as long as I was out there, we would be together.

After that night, we spent as much time with eachother as possible. We quickly knew we were in love, and the night he told me so, I cried and told him I returned the feelings. I'd never been so happy in all my life, which was a true miracle amidst all the saddness of my mamaw's condition. I was in love, and I didn't want to lose him a second time. So, I decided to move back. My mother agreed with me, and when I told Jeremy, I'd never seen him so happy. We were in love and nothing, but nothing, could destroy that or tear us a part. Except one thing-my fear.

My mother and I came back to Cali with the intention of getting our stuff and going back home. But getting back here, I realized how afraid I was. I'd been abandoned by nearly everyone I ever loved for the last nine years, why should he be any different? It's not as though I thought he would hurt me intentionally, I knew he would never. But I was so used to everything I loved leaving me, whether by choice or death. Unfortunately, I also had to contend with my friends telling me I would be unhappy, which only increased my feeling of fear. I'll never forget the night I made the biggest mistake of my life, not only breaking his heart, but destroying mine.

I called him, and told him I was staying here and that he and I were over, but I wanted to stay friends. He couldn't hear it, but I was crying the entire time. Everything in my yelled out "NO!! You love him!! Don't do this!!" but I was too afraid to listen. He said nothing, I just heard him start crying and I couldn't take it. I couldn't even breathe and I said good bye and hung up. I didn't have the will to breathe anymore, and I'd never hurt so much in my life. I cried myself to sleep for months. Even after we started talking again, I continued crying and I let myself go to a very dark place that wasn't me at all. I lost myself to my self inflicted pain. I wasn't me for over a year. Then my world that was crumbling all around me, came to a screaching halt.

He started dating a girl named Lindsay and he claimed to be in love with her. I nver let him hear me cry, though it couldn't be held in at night. But she started hurting him by lying to him, cheating on him. I was the one he called when she did these things. But she kept a hold on him, and pushed him so far as to cut me from his life. Forever. I thought I'd die from the pain. I put on a brave face for the world, but on the inside, I was dead. I no longer wanted to go on, for to me, life wasn't worth living if he wasn't part of my life. I never thought I'd get another chance.

Then, about two weeks ago, I'd had enough of not being me. I fell to my knees and prayed to God for help. He guided me back to my correct path. I reclaimed my Christianity and myself. I started going back to the Wyland's gallery in Laguna Beach, my sanctuary, my church. The first day I went back there, my phone rang. It was Jeremy, and upon hearing his voice, my knees gave entirely. He was still with Lindsay, but he wanted to be friends again. That was the best 3 hours I'd spent on a phone since the last time I'd talked to him like that. He told me he'd call me, and he did. This past Tuesday, he informed me that he and Lindsay were on a break, and that he missed me. I cried so much I thought I'd become dehydrated. I broke down to my mother, told her I'd never not be in love with Jeremy and he was it. If I wasn't with him, I wanted no one else. So, she agreed with me, that we would move back to Tennessee, and there's no way I'm backing out this time! I just talked to him again mere hours ago, and he and Lindsay, are over. Truely over. He wants me to come home, and I'm more than happy to oblige. I told him I'm coming back and nothing is keeping me from coming back. I'm not making the same mistake again. We can't move back until the end of August, and in the meantime, he's going to come out here to visit in July. He's going to let me know when he can get off from work, then I'll know exactly when.

We're not rushing into anything this time. We aren't declairing ourselves a couple by any means. We plan to get to know one another again, after all that's happened. We'll see what happens when he comes out here. Until then, yes, I'm technically single, but my heart is beyond taken. I'm in love with Jeremy Pickett, and there never was and never will be, anyone for me other than him!!

Feels good to get all that out haha.

Well, to say the very least, it has been an interesting past two days haha. I owe a great deal to the pain I've been forced through for the, well, awsome direction my life has taken. Rather, the direction I have allowed it to take. For the last ten years, I never allowed myself to become truely happy for fear that it would go badly, as it often did.

See, for the first nine years of my life, everything was perfect. I had amazing friends, a great family that never fought, I made good grades, I knew what I wanted to do from the time I was four, and I was happy.

Then, the morning after my nineth birthday, everything changed. My father, while on a job in Michigan(we lived in Wisconsin at the time), passed away. My mother became distraught and not herself at all. I, on the other hand, plunged into darkness. I became destructive with everything. Pushed away everyone, family, friends. I self destructed completely and became, a delinquent basically. I hung out with the wrong people for years.

Then, we moved to California and after years of feeling like an outsider, I put on a brave smile for the world. I just wanted to fit in, nothing more. I had lost myself the day my father died, and I didn't know how to find my true self again. I went into cheerleading and became captain, was the main actress in all the school productions, dated the quater back and I was the most popular girl on campus. But that was eighth grade. When I got to nineth, it was pretty much the same. I immidiately befriended the juniors and seniors, again with cheerleading, drama(theatre), still dating the same guy. I was untouchable. I hung out with only juniors and seniors and the so called, "in crowd". But, I still wasn't "me".

Then, on December 13th, 2003 at 5:04 am, my life would be forever changed. Through everything that had happened in my life, I had one constant, one presence that would never abandon me no matter what. He was Keiko. Those of you reading this know him as the orca who played Willy in the Free Willy films. I don't wish to go into great detail, only a small handful of people in my life know about his presence in my life at all. I will tell you that he and I have been connected since the time of my creation, my souls' creation. On the date and time I mentioned, he died. I had to see it on the news that afternoon, but I knew the moment he died, I just didn't understand right away. I was already ill at the time, and you can imagine what the death of ones soul mate can do to a person. I was many things after that happened. I estranged myself from everyone. For two weeks, I did not speak, eat(if I did, it was in front of my mother but I just threw it up later), sleep, show emotion, nothing. I was a shell, and I had simpley given up on life. It wasn't worth it anymore. I just didn't want to live. I attempted suicide, but the powers that be decided to not let it work by way of a friend of mine calling at the "right" moment. I didn't talk to him, but his call made me put the knife down.

On the marker of two weeks since Keiko had died, so as not to worry my mother, I allowed my friends to drag me to a movie. I still was not speaking or eating. The film was the live action version of Peter Pan and it was of great significance to my childhood. It gave me an outlet, and I cried, screamed and let the shell begin to crack around me. At the end of the film, I simpley said that I was hungry and wanted pizza. My friends rejoiced in my sudden comeback, but I still wasn't whole, nor was I entirely back. I started speaking, little by little after that. I ate a little, and gained my total appetite back after a few months.

It was during this time, that I met Jecca. She was concidered an outcast at the high school I was attending at the time. No one talked to her, and she didn't have any friends. At the time, I was still staying away from everyone I had as friends, and otherwise. I was a different person, and feared I wouldn't be accepted anymore. So, one day, I saw Jecca eating lunch by herself, and I sat with her. We starting talking, and she became my only companion for a long time. She was basically goth, a Wiccan and bi. It shocked her to find out that someone like me wasn't bothered by any of that. But it really didn't. She understood my pain and the way I was at the time. She accepted me and I ended up telling her everything that had happened to me. My past, my current state, and what I was afraid my future would become. She taught me all about Wicca, and I was fasinated by it. It's origins and ideals intrigued me to no end. More to the point, I understood it, and it traced me back to my Egyptian ambitions. I would not declare myself truely Wiccan for a further two years though. But she was the first to turn me on to it. We became very attatched, and I felt myself starting to view as a great deal more than a friend. I confessed my feelings to her, to find she returned them. She would be my first girlfriend, and I great one at that. We dated for months, until I was forced to move several miles south of there. We parted on great terms, though I only hear from her seldemly. Jecca saved me and gave me hope again. Because of her, I found myself again. Well, I had started to anyway.

Just over a year after was when my grandma died. I considered myself a Christian, and straight. I was in the proccess of loosing myself again. My heart was crumbling under the pressure again. My grandmother died, and I will forever be thankful to my ex for being there for me throughout the entire ordeal.

Upon returning to California, I put myself through hell. I was trying so desperately to find my true heart again. In late June of last year, Jecca had found me on myspace. She couldn't have contacted me at a better time. I felt myself starting to make a comeback.

Now, I can admitt proudly, I'm Wiccan. I'm bisexual. I'm anti-Bush administration. But most importantly, I'm me. I started to crumble again upon renewing a strong contact with my ex, and trying to force myself to forget who I was for the sake of his friendship. Honestly, shutting me out of his life by means of his girlfriend, was the best thing he could have done for me. I realized that he was going to allow her to run his life by whatever means she felt were needed. No matter the cost. I feel no ill will towards her, or him. To the contrary, I'm thankful, as I said. I can be me again. I feel no guilt or shame for who I am and I'm happy.

I once again have an amazing group of friends, Chloe, Shawna, Xochitl, Ila, Rianna, Rachel, Aurora, Lindsey, Lennon, Bryce, Hope, Bobby, Jason, Justin, CJ, Anastasia, Tony, Chris, Cody, Austin, Emily, Aaron, Vic, Travis, Nick, NJ, Matt, Justin, Tyler, Kyle, Robin, Miley, Corbin, Cole, Steven, Hayden, Milo, Scout, Kallie, Brie, Mika, Alexa, Matt, along with several others. I have an amazing boyfriend who cares so much about me, Adam. I'm going to UCLA fall of 2008, for my Theatre degree, probably at the same time as Adam. Then I plan on trying my hardest to get into the University of Washington to get my PHD in Marine Biology. In the meantime, I do auditions, have fun and have great jobs.

How could I be anything less than thankful for what I have? Simple, I get scared way too easily. Everytime something starts to go well, I get terrified that I'm going to lose it, so I run from it. I'm done with it. No more running for this girl. I'm facing my fears head on. Danger? HA! I laugh in the face of danger! MUAHAHAHA!! Gotta love The Lion King haha. But seriously, thanks Jeremy. I hope you have a good life. Bye. Good bye to my old life. I embrace the new one with open arms!

Ok, for the last 10 years, I was having trouble finding myself. Ten years ago was when my father passed away. I felt many things all at once, and it's impossible to explain to someone who hasn't been through a loss like this. I grew up faster than any of the kids I knew at the time. I felt it was my duty to do so. I was estranged from my mother because I was afraid of her. To my young mind, she wasn't the same person. I wasn't sure she really was my mother anymore. I also became very violent. I took out my anger on everyone and everything I could. I didn't talk to anyone without yelling or using my fists. I put a wall around my entire self and let no one in. I put up this tough exterior, but on the inside, I was breaking. The easiest way to to explain it would be to say I was a combination of Haru and Kyo from Furuba, if you know of that. Then, a little over three years ago, I finally broke completely. I won't get into too many details on here, but I lost the most important thing in my life. I'd known him all my life and he was my constant after my father died. I could always rely on him to be there through everything that went to Hell after that had happened. With him dead, I went through every stage of grief you can imagine all at once. I cried myself to sleep that night, first out of mourning, then in anger. When I woke the next morning, I was mute. Not from crying, but by sheer will. I was a shell. I didn't care about anything anymore. I just wanted to die. I even went so far as attempted suicide. Obviously, I didn't go through with it, but I was close. I didn't speak at all. I didn't eat, nothing. I was simpley, a body. My soul wasn't really there for a while. In the course of the two weeks that followed his death, I lost several pounds, flesh and the will to live. I gained a bloody razor blade, bloody cuts on my legs and arms and now, scars that will never fully heal because of how deep I cut. At the end of that two weeks, I gained an outlet. A movie that my friends took me to in a last effort to bring my back from the dead, if you will. It was the live action version of Peter Pan, and it allowed me to cry, yell and feel again. I slowly began eating and speaking again, while gradually losing the will to cut myself. But that event forever changed me. I haven't been the same person since it happened. But last year, in October, I met my best friend Chloe, and she helped me to start to find myself again. She then introduced me into a group of people who are all amazing; Aurora, Shawna, Rianna, Rachel, Lindsey, Lennon, Ana and Xochitl. They know me, and don't judge me for anything I am. She even introduced me to a great guy, who happens to be my boyfriend now, Adam. If it weren't for this group of incredible people, I would never have discovered myself again. Thank you, to all of you. I love you all!!!

I'd like to make an apology to anyone that was recently offended by the pictures that were posted in my gallery. I had a photobucket before this, and was unaware of the fact that this wasn't quite the same thing. So, I apologize to all those that saw their peices displayed thinking that I was trying take credit for these works. That was not my intent, I was merely able to identify with the artwork. Understand that no longer shall the art in my gallery be anything other than an orginal done entirely by myself. Thank you for understanding my natural blonde confusion and reading this. *Bows in apology*

~Aleera