Hey everyone!

Sorry, I know it's been a while since I got on here. I plan on loading some of my poems on here as soon as I figure it out haha. The main purpose of this, is that I wanted to update everyone on what's been going on in my life. As a few of you know, I was dating a guy named Adam for a while. Well, we broke up a few weeks ago because we just weren't on the same page. Plus, I was dealing with one of my ex's having harbored feelings for me. I've talked to him since, and we're really good with remaining friends. Which is really good, because last week, another ex of mine, Jeremy, contacted me. Now, let me tell you a little about Jeremy

We met one another nearly three years ago, at Franklin County High School in Winchester, TN. Yes, I used to live out there. I was sitting at the lunch table on my first day there, having made friends with Amanda Dickerson and Courtney Thomas. They were also friends with him. They introduced me to everyone at the table but him, so I didn't notice right away. But then, we both looked each other in the eye at the exact, same time. Let me tell you, it was a damn good thing I was sitting haha. I would have fallen flat on my ass otherwise, from weak knees. I've only ever gotten weak knees from one other guy, and he was my soul mate, who died over 3 years ago. Truth be told, I was smitten with Jeremy instantly. We hung out a lot while I was out there, and became very close. Before I even realized it, I'd begun falling for him. I had to leave, we were moving back out here, to Cali. So, on my last day, I asked him to meet me outside my last class. But, as fate would have it, my mother showed up early and I had to go before he even got there. I wouldn't hear from him again for over a year.

In late September of 2005, I got help from a friend to create a Myspace. Now, by this point in the year, I'd had it for quite a while. So, I had heard from Courtney in the form of a letter, so I decide to see if I can find anyone on Myspace from FCHS. I typed in the school search engine, and as I was scrolling down, my eyes locked with those of the ones in a picture of a young man. Name, Jeremy Pickett. My intitial thoughts were, "No freaking way!" I looked at his profile and realized it was the boy I'd almost fallen for over a year earlier. So, I sent him a message asking if he remembered me and a friend request. Oh yeah, he remembered haha. We started talking constantly, through messages and on the phone. I remember the first time he called, I was so happy to hear his voice I could hardly stand it! We continued talking and the subject of that last day came up. I told him that I was going to tell him I liked him, and thought I had nothing to lose in telling him since I was leaving. His reaction, "You liked me? Really? Cause I liked you too..." So I told him, "Well, I guess now we'll never know, huh?" Now, before I tell you what he said after this, know that by this point we'd been talking for over a month. "Amanda, I still like you." I was in shock. I couldn't believe he'd held onto those feelings and that they could be rekindled by our phone conversations. Though I had to say, mine had been as well. So I told him the truth, "Well, Jeremy, I must say, I still like you too. But what can we do about it now?" Well I'll tell you what we did about it. We talked for hours about what we really wanted to do. It ended in agreeing to a long distance relationship. We cared deeply for each other, and it spanned through space between us. We couldn't deny how we felt for one another, and more importantly, we didn't want to. Then, I made my first mistake.

We'd been together for nearly a month, when I realized I had indeed fallen in love with him. I realized I had been all along, and that scared me. So, I ended it. Told him that the long distance was just too hard on me when I cared for him so much, and that I just wanted to remain friends. I cried myself to sleep for nights. But we would get another chance in just a couple months.

We remained in constant contact. Neither of us dated anyone else for, thought neither of us would admit it to the other, we didn't want to date anyone else. The middle of January 2006 came, and my grandma, my mamaw, was dying and they had called in all the family. Jeremy was the first person I called. I stayed on the phone with him all night, crying. He cooed to me and comforted me all through the night. We even left our phones on and fell asleep to the sound of eachother breathing. With that, my mom and I got on a plane to good ol' Winchester, TN. I called Jeremy the second I got inside my grandparents house. "Ok, give me directions. I'll come over now and we can hang out." I smiled and gladly gave him directions. He came, got me and we drove around and just hung out. By the time he pulled up in front of the house to drop me off again, we sat in the car and talked. We couldn't stand not being with one another, and agreed that as long as I was out there, we would be together.

After that night, we spent as much time with eachother as possible. We quickly knew we were in love, and the night he told me so, I cried and told him I returned the feelings. I'd never been so happy in all my life, which was a true miracle amidst all the saddness of my mamaw's condition. I was in love, and I didn't want to lose him a second time. So, I decided to move back. My mother agreed with me, and when I told Jeremy, I'd never seen him so happy. We were in love and nothing, but nothing, could destroy that or tear us a part. Except one thing-my fear.

My mother and I came back to Cali with the intention of getting our stuff and going back home. But getting back here, I realized how afraid I was. I'd been abandoned by nearly everyone I ever loved for the last nine years, why should he be any different? It's not as though I thought he would hurt me intentionally, I knew he would never. But I was so used to everything I loved leaving me, whether by choice or death. Unfortunately, I also had to contend with my friends telling me I would be unhappy, which only increased my feeling of fear. I'll never forget the night I made the biggest mistake of my life, not only breaking his heart, but destroying mine.

I called him, and told him I was staying here and that he and I were over, but I wanted to stay friends. He couldn't hear it, but I was crying the entire time. Everything in my yelled out "NO!! You love him!! Don't do this!!" but I was too afraid to listen. He said nothing, I just heard him start crying and I couldn't take it. I couldn't even breathe and I said good bye and hung up. I didn't have the will to breathe anymore, and I'd never hurt so much in my life. I cried myself to sleep for months. Even after we started talking again, I continued crying and I let myself go to a very dark place that wasn't me at all. I lost myself to my self inflicted pain. I wasn't me for over a year. Then my world that was crumbling all around me, came to a screaching halt.

He started dating a girl named Lindsay and he claimed to be in love with her. I nver let him hear me cry, though it couldn't be held in at night. But she started hurting him by lying to him, cheating on him. I was the one he called when she did these things. But she kept a hold on him, and pushed him so far as to cut me from his life. Forever. I thought I'd die from the pain. I put on a brave face for the world, but on the inside, I was dead. I no longer wanted to go on, for to me, life wasn't worth living if he wasn't part of my life. I never thought I'd get another chance.

Then, about two weeks ago, I'd had enough of not being me. I fell to my knees and prayed to God for help. He guided me back to my correct path. I reclaimed my Christianity and myself. I started going back to the Wyland's gallery in Laguna Beach, my sanctuary, my church. The first day I went back there, my phone rang. It was Jeremy, and upon hearing his voice, my knees gave entirely. He was still with Lindsay, but he wanted to be friends again. That was the best 3 hours I'd spent on a phone since the last time I'd talked to him like that. He told me he'd call me, and he did. This past Tuesday, he informed me that he and Lindsay were on a break, and that he missed me. I cried so much I thought I'd become dehydrated. I broke down to my mother, told her I'd never not be in love with Jeremy and he was it. If I wasn't with him, I wanted no one else. So, she agreed with me, that we would move back to Tennessee, and there's no way I'm backing out this time! I just talked to him again mere hours ago, and he and Lindsay, are over. Truely over. He wants me to come home, and I'm more than happy to oblige. I told him I'm coming back and nothing is keeping me from coming back. I'm not making the same mistake again. We can't move back until the end of August, and in the meantime, he's going to come out here to visit in July. He's going to let me know when he can get off from work, then I'll know exactly when.

We're not rushing into anything this time. We aren't declairing ourselves a couple by any means. We plan to get to know one another again, after all that's happened. We'll see what happens when he comes out here. Until then, yes, I'm technically single, but my heart is beyond taken. I'm in love with Jeremy Pickett, and there never was and never will be, anyone for me other than him!!

Feels good to get all that out haha.